You know all those things that you never think will happen? Worse, those things you claim out loud will "never happen to me" or "I'll NEVER say/do/be ..." Yeah, I hate those too. I can hear myself regretting every bragadocious word that slid past my lips.
But really, some of them, aren't really claims I made, or things I said I'd never do that I'm suddenly doing, no, some of the ones that shock me most, are the things in my head I never thought I'd do. Things I never thought I'd question. Things I never thought I'd say. Things I never saw myself being. Things I never saw myself settling for.
And, I'm not necessarily disappointed in myself for these unspoken things, well, not all the time, sometimes, I just well, sit and think, and am amazed. A bit of retrospect I guess. This may come as a shock to most of you - or, well, any who know me, but I really don't stop to think about myself all that often. Some of you are shocked because you think I'm self absorbed - but what you don't understand is that I really am not, I just don't slow down to think about what I say to everyone else most of the time. I operate at two speeds, FAST and REALLY FAST. Well, ok, three, add "asleep" to that list. And I really am not stuck up, snobby, or disinterested, I just don't realize I completely ignored you, because I was thinking about 300 million other things. Sadly, you just didn't happen to be one of them.
Anyway, for whatever reason, I sat quietly and thought tonight... mostly about what I need to accomplish tomorrow at work, but, also, about some of those unspoken "never did I imagine" things... while I won't share all of them with you here, I'll give you a few.
The first shows my body is aging. I type this with a cherry pit bag on my right shoulder, because, if you'd told me, oh, even 5 years ago that I couldn't roll gracefully out of a fall or dive, I would have laughed at you. Last night I dove for a ball in a volleyball game, and half way through the roll back to my feet, my body just gave out. My shoulder took the brunt of the strain, and it hurts like hell today. What is stupid is a few plays later, I executed the most beautiful roll out you've ever seen without pain or hesitation... but, things I never could fully grasp happening to me?? I'm getting old. er. and it sucks. hard.
The second thing lurking in my mind is work related... if you'd told me 5 years ago that I'd be at a point in a career, that when I talked, people listened (some of the time anyway) I would have laughed out loud, to your face. Hell, if you'd told me 5 years ago I'd have a "career" I would have laughed. I still sort of feel like a kid playing dress up. Like, I expect someone to come along at any second, and ask me what the hell I think I'm doing here. I swear I spend half my time waiting for someone to call my bluff. I don't *think* it's a lack of confidence so much as it is just I never expected the things that have taken place, the things I've done and learned, and lived through, I never expected them to bring me here. I don't know that I know where I expected them to bring me, but, I just never thought I'd be here... wherever the crap here is.
Ok, I need a light hearted quandy or else I'll be too serious for my own company. Something else that just blows my mind... if you'd told me 5 years ago that I'd wear more costume or fashion jewelry than "real" stuff, I would have laughed you out of the room. I have always had a small weakness for jewelry, but it was usually gold and gemstones... lately, I am totally addicted to random fashion jewelry. Crazy, clunky, strange fashion jewelry - especially bracelets thanks to one of my two most favorite almost sons in the whole world... who loves my bracelets, mostly to eat them, but he loves his "almost momma" because she wears the bling for him...
there are more... a lot deeper than I'm willing to go here, but so many of the, "never would have thought that" things running through my brain. Never thought I'd settle, never thought I'd be, never thought I'd do... I can't regret any of them, not really, well, ok, I can. and I do. but mostly, I try to see that I really like who I am right now... and this is a fairly new thing for me, I have not really liked myself before. I've always had someone else's voice, or lots of different people's voices telling me I wasn't good enough I wasn't SOMETHING enough... and maybe that's another "never thought I'd..." for my list. I never, ever, in a million years, imagined that I'd kick all those voices out (most of kicking those voices out have to do with the deeper thoughts, but I digress) that I'd listen to myself, that I would so genuinely LIKE myself for myself. I'm not perfect, DUH, but I like who I see in the mirror. I don't see what other people want me to change. I see things I would like to improve on - always... but I like me. I'm crazy. I'm so random it hurts. I'm the most scatter brained person you have ever met. I'm the person you want in your corner when the shit hits the fan. I am fiercely loyal. I am crazy. I am independent. I am a bitch - but only in the best possible way!! I am strong on the outside. I am so many things, usually all at the same time.
So, what have you learned about me? If I don't pay enough attention to you, don't take it personally, I'm not ignoring you, I don't think you aren't worth my time, I just don't remember the last thing I gave 200% of my undivided attention to... If you see my rub my right shoulder, take pity on me... offer me a massage :) Or remind me that I'm not 25 anymore... Or just point and laugh. And stay away from my right elbow and right hip as they are rather tender as well... that fall hurt me more than I'm letting ANYONE know. If I'm being a bitch... I'm sorry - but the truth is, when I am, I'm usually hiding the scared little kid inside that can't believe that no one has ripped away the facade and seen what's really going on.
And what does this mean for the next five years? What things am I going to laugh at myself for saying now? Besides thinking that there is anyone actually reading this blog, that it has any possible purpose other than personal catharsis. But, hey, that's ok too. I will sit here with a cherry pit bag around my shoulders, a peacock feather in my hair (don't ask, just know I look FABULOUS), silly puppy dog pajamas on, and I may be amazed at who I am today, but I like me. I'm possibly regretful about a few things, but mostly I am grateful for who I am, and absolutely grateful for the people that I know, and that like me for all my imperfections, who tolerate me, who just like to be around me to watch the crazy happen. Thanks for letting me rant ramble and blather on. I'll go to bed now.
'night world.
