Old. Just damn old.

What does it mean, exactly, to age gracefully? Bc I always swore I would do this... I swore I'd gracefully age with dignity. I would not be overly vain. I would accept that time leaves its mark on everyone, and I would just be more beautifully me...

That my friends is some shit.

I was all fine and good until someone pointed out grey hsirs today. Now, I am not stupid, there have been some sneaky grey hairs at my temples for a few years, thus furthering my "I can be dignified enough to age and not have to go dye it all" mentality. But when my boss says, "turn back that way... wow, you are starting to grey!!" I didn't believe him. I lived in denial for 8 more hours. I pointed out that I was well aware of the grey at my temples thank you very much...

And then I looked in the mirror. Oh. My.

Why did no one tell me??? Seriously, I at least expected those of you who follow me to kindly take me to the side and say "honey... time to dye it" similar to time to diet... but I digress.

I started looking. At first I thought, maybe it's just the light... playing tricks on me. I don't have that much grey, do I?

So now, my query... can I continue my "gracefully" outlook? When it looks to be a growing problem? I am too freaking young to be grey, right?? Please someone, anyone give me an amen here... I don't feel like I should be grey. I sense a mid life crisis boiling... one thing for certain... I won't go blonde again.

Here is my fear, or my irrational craziness, whatever you want to call it. I think in my head, as long as I didn't start dying it, it wouldn't spread, and I'd never be "that girl" with roots that are white with dark brown hair... so if I dye it, will it just make it more noticeable? Or do I keep it un-dyed and let it be not just my roots but all over crazy grey??

Beware, if you see me in the reality zone known as real life, I may be slightly more nuerotic than normal. Yes, I get crazier!! Hide the chocolate, she's a raving lunatic...

Losing weight...

I know, I am the worst blogger... but, well, who cares.

OK, so, you would think that losing weight would e one of those single most uplifting experiences, right? I mean, you feel better, you look better, clothes fit better, you don't scare the mirror when it sees you naked... :-)  really though, not so much.

Here's what I mean. I've lost some weight lately. Not huge amounts, and maybe that's what bugs me the most about this... I have lost approximately 12 pounds over the course of a year... since may, it's been about 5. So, this is no "biggest loser" feat. This is just, hey, I really need to stay on top of this before age and such take over... you know time and genetics will kick your ass every time...

OK, so, yay me. Lost weight, hit my goal the week before thanksgiving, which just means I now have a couple pounds to work off again. :-)

I'm proud of me, and I am happy when people notice I've lost weight.  But there is noticing, and there is noticing... here's what has my panties in a bunch... in the last week, I've gotten these two comments "wow, you have lost soooo much weight, you are a lot smaller" and "wow, just from those pictures of you in June, you've lost a bunch"

So, the first... really, I've only lost 10 since you saw me last year... was I just huge? Do you have to offer the superlatives of sooo much weight? And, since June? Really? That was maybe 5 pounds ago. I try to find the compliment in those, and move on... but it has me second guessing my "goal". Should I stop here and be happy with myself? Or are these people telling me, oh no sweetie, another 10 would be better.

I like me here, and before anyone goes all ape.... on me, I am losing the weight for me, not for anyone else, I have a perfectly healthy self image, I like myself, OK? I'm just not very good at seeing myself through other peoples' eyes.  So when I get a silly comment like those, I have to scratch my head and wonder if people even think before they open their mouths, you know, like ever...

OK, I'm off to go eat now. It is after all the start of the holiday season! Pass the turkey, pass the pies, sure hope it doesn't end up on my thighs... :-)

Pin addict.

That's me.  I was introduced to Pinterist at a room mom's meeting.  One of the teachers was telling me how much she loved it.  I was skeptical.  Until I started looking.  Now, I CAN. NOT. STOP.  I am finding recipes like crazy - and the ones I've tried have been incredible!!!  Also - I am widening my fashion comfort zone thanks to pinterest.  Mostly b/c I can't see clothes and make an outfit - I have to see an outfit and copy it.  So, there are lots of cool people out there who do that for me.  Of course, this usually just causes me to go out looking for, oh, say, a burnt orange skirt like a crazy woman b/c I can't find one ANYWHERE!!!

But I digress. 

I have decided, since last year was so much fun surprising my girls about going to Disney, even though they picked how they wanted to find out - that this coming year, I'm going to surprise them without them knowing what's coming.  I cannot decide however, how to do it... I've been looking online - watching stories, etc, just don't know the best way to do it.  I do know, or am pretty sure, we are doing Disney twice next year.  Ever since joining the Disney Vacation Club, it makes SO MUCH sense to go there as often as possible.  Or, that's my story and I'm sticking to it ;-) 

Ok - wow.  i really am pretty boring, I have nothing better to say.  *sigh* 

Small successes

I told you, don't be all disappointed if I forget I'm blogging for weeks, months at a time... That's just how I roll.  :D

OK, I am choosing to celebrate small successes, instead of focusing on defeats that seem so insurmountable, or large successes that I can never seem to achieve, I choose to focus on small successes.

Do you think if I keep repeating this, I'll believe it? 

Yeah, me neither, but it's worth a shot.

So, here goes, first small success.  Since November of last year - I've sort of been trying to lose weight.  Not religiously, not extreme - just trying to make smart decisions and lose a little weight.  I am down 7 pounds.  Better than that, since that seems like a VERY small success (especially given it has been almost a year) but I've lost 5 inches off my waist.  THAT is a pretty good success.

The downside - it appears that my, ahem, assets, have no thought of shrinking... My "hip" measurement has not changed by a cm.  Really?  My waist can shrink 5 INCHES, and my "hips" are the same stinkin' size.

*sigh*

Oh, whoops, small successes.  Right.

7 pounds.  Yay me. (Notice how I'm NOT whining, venting, complaining, or showing how I feel like I'm about to crumble?  No, not me, I'm celebrating success.  Damnit.)

Pity Party

Feel free to ignore me.  This should be brief.

Sometimes the noise in my head is too much.  I don't question myself all that much - not because I think I'm all that and a bag of chips - but really - if I screw something up... I can usually fix it.  Or, well, chalk it up to lessons learned or whatever.  I'm not a worrier, or an "oh woe is me" girl.

But, I'm sorta bummed out.  Big project at work fell through.  And day 1 - I was bummed about not getting it, but ok with it.  Day 2 - I start wondering, if someone else had done it, would we have lost it.  Was it something I could have done better, didn't do at all, or should have just done differently. 

I hate this.  I really really hate this.

So, the noise in my head is loud, and I don't like the voices up there much right at the moment.  They aren't nice and make me want to sit in a dark room and eat chocolate, and chocolate ice cream, and drink something. 

Please continue with your regularly scheduled lives - the pity party will conclude as soon as I shut the noise down in my head.  It just may take a bit.

I wonder what day 3 will be like... 

Re-invention

is there such a thing?  Can I re-invent myself?  Because I think I have, or am, or am trying to.  Not in the "fun and exciting zone" (read previous blogs to understand) changes, but just, a good tweak to the dark and twisty one.  (me).

First - I'm actually trying to pay attention to things like skin care.  I am for the first time ever perpetually wearing moisturizer, except when I forget.  I am wearing makeup (well, ok, eye liner and eye shadow) on a daily basis.  I am letting my hair grow, and am not getting the "easy" hair cuts anymore.  I used to go to the salon, tell the wonderful and talented hair chicky "I don't want to spend more than 5 minutes on my hair" and she did the best she could.  Now... as it hangs a good few inches below my shoulders for the first time in, oh, 20 years or more, I flat iron it every day.  I purposefully am spending time making sure I look, umm, well, polished?  Is that the right word?  I am trying - making a valient effort to not just wear black and white.  They were my safe colors.  I have a whole closet of nothing but black and white. 

Why you ask?  Well, really, you didn't, but guess what, it's my blog I'll tell you anyway.  I think I'm growing up.  I know I know, I'm way past growing up.  But, I think, I came to a point where I realize, I don't have a "job" anymore.  I have a career.  And I LIKE IT!  And, I'm fairly good at it.  And, I need to start looking professional, and polished, and, well, like a grown up. 

I'm paying attention to accessories, shoes, purses, jewelry - and trying to "complete" my look every day.  This has been a slow process - one that I'm trying to ease myself into little by little. 

Oh, and I'm also becoming even more of a tech junkie.  I bought myself a Motorola Zoom tablet.  Why?  Because I think it's cool.  And, because, well, I want one.  So, I bought one.  Ta-da. 

Ok, re-invented, totally tech geek me.  With the pretty hair.  And the big purse (oh please help me) and the jewelry, and the whatever else I really should be doing to make myself look like a grownup.

Because when I look in the mirror, I still think I should be like, 20, or 16.  not that I look that young - just I have a hard time thinking of myself as a grown up.  When did I become a grown up career woman?  Pfft.

My own special brand of crazy

Red seemed like an appropriate color for my post today. 

I'm in my own little world of neurosis right now.  Well, really it was Sunday night from about 11pm-2am.  And, well, ok, it didn't stop then, I just fell asleep.

husband worked for years with one company - and he'd have his employees over to the house a couple times a year for "team building" or some such BS.  They'd come, eat lunch, goof off, get to know each other better, do end of the year reviews, whatever.  Well, when he was at "old company" he'd been there 10 years.  I knew those people.  They knew "MY OWN SPECIAL BRAND OF CRAZY".  They didn't really care if my house wasn't spotless - and they saw my children on a semi-regular basis, so if I didn't have recent pics up of them - you know, who cares.  Well, he got a new job.  he invites 15 or so of his new employees to the house for same team building BS.  I DON'T KNOW THESE PEOPLE, THEY DON'T KNOW ME.  So, house must be clean - and, really, it wasn't the shine the baseboards type of clean - but, I haven't dusted in a while kind of clean Iwas after... Anyway, that wasn't even my biggest obsession.  I walked into the "hall of pictures" and realized that my youngest was represented as a newborn, as a 9 month old, as a 1 year old, and as a 2 year old.  She's 6 now.  And on the flip side - my oldest showed up at a year, 18 months, 2, and 4.  She's 8 now.  So, I framed a few pictures to prove that I was NOT a bad mom who never updated pics of the girls - by the way - that really only means I added 3 pics - one of each of them from their recital and one of the 2 of them together dressed for the recital - but at least I had current pics of my kids ON THE WALL DAMNIT. 

I started trying to see me (as represented by my house, and well, specifically, my pictures) through the eyes of these total strangers.  All of a sudden, I'm a horrible mother.  I don't photograph my children (which, if you know me, you know this is NOT true), I don't display pictures of my children, there is DUST on top of the picture frames, not to mention the buffet table, and, there is a half finished painting on my easel that I can't quite figure out where to go with it...  I'm a horrible horrible mom.  I'm a lazy housekeeper (well, ok, you've got me there).  BUT, they were served grilled angel food cake with fresh fruit (my personal recipe), so, maybe I'm ok. 

Maybe I'm an ok mom, not the best - I just got an earful from the pediatric dentist because I *gasp* oh the horror, let them drink apple juice and tea.  He made them promise to never drink it again.  the baby cried.  "mommy, can we Neavah (thick southern tears) have apple juice again?"  So, I'm an even worse mommy because I said, "You can ABSOLUTELY have apple juice, and sweet tea, we'll just keep coming back and letting him clean your teeth."  F.  Give me a big giant F, right on my forehead.  That's ok. 

But, I'm a pretty good at being a failure mom, a lazy housekeeper, a pretty good cook, and, well, if they are going to work for the husband, they are going to have to learn my own special brand of crazy.... and love me or get the hell out of my house :D

thank you, the end.

Once upon a time...

in a land far, far away...  lived a snarky, sarcastic chic named "ME"  And in this grand land, I open my mouth, and say things I really probably shouldn't.  I think they're funny.  They are almost always irreverent, usually not politically correct, but, always make people laugh.  I HAVE a filter between my brain and my mouth - I simply choose not to use it most of the time.

Also in that land, there lived a quiet, dependable person that everyone assumed was totally "with it" and put together.  She directed things, she organized things (not herself - because if you could see her desk, you'd scream) but she could plan a party in minutes, she can put together an informational packet about her company with one arm tied behind her back.  She did what was expected of her, and followed the rules.  Her name was "ME"

I think I'm experiencing multiple personalities. 

I put up a good front - I take on more than I can handle to keep that front intact.  For goodness sakes, I was a ROOM MOM this last year.  Seriously, have you MET ME?  A room mom?  Do I look like a room mom to you?  A room mom is supposed to have nothing better to do than make cookies and walk around and hug children all day.  STOP.  Don't crucify me for stereotyping... you just read that thing about choosing not to filter and you kept reading anyway...  I know that it isn't really the case, that there is no such thing as a mom with nothing to do - but I had in my head the idea of a room mom was someone who wasn't, well, wasn't ME. 

Someone told me yesterday at work that "I obviously knew what I was doing, so this task should be easy for me."  I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.  Seriously, have we met?  What part of me says, "Oh, yes, insurance calculations, I've got that covered, next would you like me to scrub in for that brain surgery?"  (Only if I get to stand next to McDreamy) 

So, I'm thinking, have I been faking this front for so long it's starting to stick?  Or am I really just moments away from cracking?  And wouldn't it be funny to watch?  Similar to the Wizard of Oz... I'm not the giant head, I'm really just a shy, usually terrified I'll screw something up, can't say no, yeah sure I can do that, OH CRAP how am I going to do that, WAY less self confident than I pretend to be, but, don't look at me, look at the big giant head that is there in front of you - that's the ME you want to see anyway, right? I wrote this some months ago but never published, I think it's worth publishing.. :-)

Good intentions

The road to hell is paved with them, right?  So, I have good intentions of cooking all those things I was going to cook.  I was going to clean up my office.  I was going to relax.  I was going to... well, anyway.  Life happens, right?

So, I obviously don't know how to follow through with good intentions, but I do know a bit about travel - I'm not a licensed (not even sure if they are licensed) travel agent - so don't hold me accountable for what you read here... but, I book a lot of travel, I travel a decent amount, and I am WAY into saving money.

So, after having a conversation with a friend who when to Disney World with his family a year ago - and only staying 3 days and hearing how much he spent, after I got over the heart attack... I decided, I'll pass on information.  His lodging was free b/c a family member owns a house or time share or something... so, his family of 6 spent $4500 on 3 days of Disney (parks, food & souveniers). 

I said NO WAY. 

We recently spend 8 days in Disney, stayed on property, had the Disney Dining Plan, and spent approximately $3000 on lodging, parks, food, souveneirs, etc.  How?  Because I'm fanatical about planning, and shopping for deals.

So, my first tip:  If you plan on doing Disney?  STAY ON PROPERTY.  You can't do the disney dining plan without it - and trust me, you WANT the DDP.  Seriously.  It is freaking EXPENSIVE to eat there!!!  If you do a table service, you CANNOT leave without your bill being well over $100 for a family of 4 (2 adults 2 kids). 

My next tip:  Out of the way Disney Dining opportunities you SHOULD check out.  Boatwright's at Old Key West.  Maya Grill at Coranado Springs.  These are at the resorts - so getting there and back can sometimes be tricky - but the food is incredible and OH SO worth the hassle.

Ok, enough for today.  I need to get back to making good intentions. 

What gets me excited...

I know some of you are reading more intensely because you think I'm about to start talking dirty... Well, sorry, that's not this post - maybe another day ;-)

So, I made the comment last night, that once upon a time, I was interesting, I had really cool things to get excited about besides, well, this weekend it was eggs for $1 (10 for 10 at Kroger) and cleaning my shower, not so much the cleaning part, but the having a shiny clean shower when I finished.  So, I make the comment, how did I get so boring, that a clean shower, and cheap (HA, cheap) eggs get me worked up? 

And then I think, maybe I've never been interesting.  Because it wasn't that long ago when my girls were smaller, that the amount and color of poop was all I thought about on a regular basis.  THANK GOODNESS I'm past that... but, I tried to think of a time when I had mind blowing fun and exciting things to be excited about.  And I don't remember.  I think I've always been boring. 

Maybe not boring, but too much in the "what do I have to do today" world that I don't THINK out in the fun and exciting zone.  And there IS such a zone, I swear there is, I've heard rumors.

Don't get me wrong - I think about things like, I REALLY REALLY want to make it to the beach this summer because the idea of laying on the beach, listening to the waves crash as I do absolutely NOTHING is bliss to me... but *bang* right there - did you see it??  There I go being boring again.  I'm not dreaming of parasailing or deep sea diving or whatever else lives out there in the fun and exciting zone - no, I'm dreaming of laying on a beach doing NADA for hours on end. 

So, am I relinquishing my life to the boring zone?  Do I just accept that I live here, and learn to enjoy it?  Because, well, apparently I'm pretty darn good at it.  Or is this the fun and exciting zone and I just don't know it?

Wow, talk about a jump into the deep end...

So, I'm gonna give this blogging thing a shot - AND - I'm not going to keep it just to my few most trusted friends.  When I set this up the other day, I only invited 4 people to view it.  (Thanks btw to the 2 of you that accepted and I hope will continue to read).  BUT I got thinking, some of what I want to say, well, it goes to my insane ego (haha) that there are people out in the world that might want to hear what I have to say.  Well, ok, that's not true, but I DO want to blog about travel tips, etc, and the 4 of you I invited, well, you'd probably hear them anyway - why do you want to read my blog to get them.

SO, here's where I am.  Public now.  So, what this means to those of you who know me... I am a bit of a privacy freak.  Like paranoid.  I will not have pictures of my children on here, I will not even mention them by name.  I will TRY not to get really specific about myself even.  I also will not be controling my snark and sass - so, if some people are offended by such - don't read my blog.

OK, so the post of the day. 

Yesterday on my "do nada day" I ended up doing some shopping (yes oh crunchy one, I shopped) and I even bought a few things - my own personal addiction - a cook book.  I needed one of these like I need a hole in my head.  I'm surprised the husband didn't down right refuse to let me buy it.  Title is COMFORT FOODS.  I am now DYING to cook.  I am itching with a need like a junkie looking for another fix.  Downside?  Since the freezer incident, I have no food to cook with - well, that and I haven't made it to grocery shop for essentials like bread, milk, and eggs since we got back from vacation.  So, I sit here reading on and on about food that I'm just going crazy wanting to try.

the other downside?  There is no such thing as "healthy low fat" comfort food.  It doesn't exist.  Every recipe calls for "whole milk" or "heavy cream" or both!  Which, makes comfort food.  BUT, ever since vacation in Disney where EVERY meal came with dessert (it's not disney's fault - I mean, I went back for seconds at the dessert buffet at Crystal Palace) well, my scales are not happy again.  So, I'm trying to be good, and I'd really REALLY like to say goodbye to those "last 10 pounds" this summer. 

We are grocery shopping tonight, so I am again just itching to try out some of these recipes, with slightly lower fat ingredients this week. 

But the recipe I am MOST dying to try???  It's a pizza you make on the grill!  I WANT this - and I WILL have it this week.  It's a PC recipe, and the actual recipe is a vegetable pizza, I think I'l make it my own, add chicken - but it just sounds delightful.

Dinner complete on the grill, grilled pizza, grilled  angel food cake with grilled peaches!  Yes, I believe this WILL be on the menu this week.  I'm salivating.  YEARNING to cook. 

Why Frazzled? Why Dazzled?

Not sure how long I'll blog, or that I will at all.  I'm really really excellent at having good ideas, loving them and culturing them for a while, then tiring of them and leaving a mess in my wake.

If blogging be the same, eh, well, I figure you'll get a frightening view inside my DARK AND TWISTY head for a few brief moments.  Scared? Yeah, you probably should be.  I am.

Why do I want to blog?  Part of it is my witty (so I think) sarcasm needs a place to live because quite frankly, my friends and family tire of it.  Secondly, I have found, I'm really really good at a few things - like travel planning, and, I will occasionally share tips, stories or rants in that realm.

Third, my daughters do the craziest darndest things, that make my laugh till I cry, or cry till I laugh, and, again, why should I keep those to myself?  So, here it goes.  There is also the distinct possibility that I'll forget my blog address and login and such oh, well, by the end of the day.  Don't be sad.  You aren't missing much.