So its been a while...

I need to vent, I need to bitch, I need to complain, and anonymously is about the only way I can... I have talked about losing weight before, and I've done a really good job of maintaining... with diet changes. So, 3 weeks ago I decide to start running, again sort of. I tried running a couple years ago, but didn't really know what to do or how to do it. Shut up, yes I know how to run... but I didn't have direction or a coach, well, now I have an app for that. Two apps actually, but I digress. I've started running, I'm really really freakin proud of myself for being able to do what I've done in 3 weeks.  E durance has never been my strong point. Anyway, I would really love to drop another 10 pounds, but am happy if I don't. My biggest goal with running is toning. I want to tone big time. So' why am I bitching?  I am sick of comments about "skinny girls like you make me sick when you talk about losing weight" or "shut up skinny girl" or whatever. Yes, I get it, I should be happy someone thinks I'm skinny... I don't, but, I should be happy, right?  No.  It pisses me off. I have goals, I have changes I want for my body, I want to prepare myself for this whole getting older BS. I'm getting precariously close to that "middle age" mark, and I want to get there in a particular shape, and pear isn't it...  so, leave me alone, let me have goals for myself, don't be condescending to me be cause you think I'm skinny. Realize that I don't think I am. Don't tell me I don't need to be out there running, sweating my ass off, working hard, because trust me, I wold love a good excuse to stop. I'm so freaking proud of myself for developing some self control these last couple years, and your comments are undermining that. Thank you... sigh.

Ambition

This seems to be the foremost thought in my poor little brain these days. I am so very ambitious, I want more. But, there are times ambition is diametrically opposed to comfort. If I follow my ambition, I'm going to be stepping way outside of my comfort level. And, am I confusing simple comfort for loyalty. Am I too scared to take that leap, BC someone might finally see I'm a fraud? The chances of someone seeing through me as long as I stay in my comfort zone are slim to none. I'm safe here. But, I'll never be any more if I stay safe. Is that OK? Am I enough? Am I happy enough? Do I need more? Or does wanting more just mean I'm frustrated? And yes, I'm frustrated. I'm angry. I'm tired of injustice.

Don't tell me life isn't fair. I know its not, and justice doesn't always prevail. But, do I stay in a never going to be just or fair place for the sake of comfort?

And loyalty.... what of loyalty? Is loyalty simply a matter of being honest? Or is it giving up some amount of ambition and frustration and anger at injustice?

And... also been thinking about ambition as a woman... why are ambitious women bitches? Or uncaring? Why can't I use every tool in my arsenal to my advantage... the same way a man would. Why am I wrong for using my southern girl charms to my advantage? Why am I wrong for being proud of being a young (ish), smart (ish), maybe not pretty, but I'll go with interesting female.

Well, I'm not going to solve any problems tonight... maybe I'll sleep on it.

well, I never...

You know all those things that you never think will happen?  Worse, those things you claim out loud will "never happen to me" or "I'll NEVER say/do/be ..."  Yeah, I hate those too.  I can hear myself regretting every bragadocious word that slid past my lips. 

But really, some of them, aren't really claims I made, or things I said I'd never do that I'm suddenly doing, no, some of the ones that shock me most, are the things in my head I never thought I'd do.  Things I never thought I'd question.  Things I never thought I'd say.  Things I never saw myself being.  Things I never saw myself settling for.

And, I'm not necessarily disappointed in myself for these unspoken things, well, not all the time, sometimes, I just well, sit and think, and am amazed.  A bit of retrospect I guess.  This may come as a shock to most of you - or, well, any who know me, but I really don't stop to think about myself all that often.  Some of you are shocked because you think I'm self absorbed - but what you don't understand is that I really am not, I just don't slow down to think about what I say to everyone else most of the time.  I operate at two speeds, FAST and REALLY FAST.  Well, ok, three, add "asleep" to that list.  And I really am not stuck up, snobby, or disinterested, I just don't realize I completely ignored you, because I was thinking about 300 million other things.  Sadly, you just didn't happen to be one of them. 

Anyway, for whatever reason, I sat quietly and thought tonight... mostly about what I need to accomplish tomorrow at work, but, also, about some of those unspoken "never did I imagine" things... while I won't share all of them with you here, I'll give you a few.

The first shows my body is aging.  I type this with a cherry pit bag on my right shoulder, because, if you'd told me, oh, even 5 years ago that I couldn't roll gracefully out of a fall or dive, I would have laughed at you.  Last night I dove for a ball in a volleyball game, and half way through the roll back to my feet, my body just gave out.  My shoulder took the brunt of the strain, and it hurts like hell today.  What is stupid is a few plays later, I executed the most beautiful roll out you've ever seen without pain or hesitation... but, things I never could fully grasp happening to me??  I'm getting old. er.  and it sucks.  hard.

The second thing lurking in my mind is work related... if you'd told me 5 years ago that I'd be at a point in a career, that when I talked, people listened (some of the time anyway) I would have laughed out loud, to your face.  Hell, if you'd told me 5 years ago I'd have a "career" I would have laughed.  I still sort of feel like a kid playing dress up.  Like, I expect someone to come along at any second, and ask me what the hell I think I'm doing here.  I swear I spend half my time waiting for someone to call my bluff.  I don't *think* it's a lack of confidence so much as it is just I never expected the things that have taken place, the things I've done and learned, and lived through, I never expected them to bring me here.  I don't know that I know where I expected them to bring me, but, I just never thought I'd be here... wherever the crap here is.

Ok, I need a light hearted quandy or else I'll be too serious for my own company.  Something else that just blows my mind... if you'd told me 5 years ago that I'd wear more costume or fashion jewelry than "real" stuff, I would have laughed you out of the room.  I have always had a small weakness for jewelry, but it was usually gold and gemstones... lately, I am totally addicted to random fashion jewelry.  Crazy, clunky, strange fashion jewelry - especially bracelets thanks to one of my two most favorite almost sons in the whole world... who loves my bracelets, mostly to eat them, but he loves his "almost momma" because she wears the bling for him...

there are more... a lot deeper than I'm willing to go here, but so many of the, "never would have thought that" things running through my brain.  Never thought I'd settle, never thought I'd be, never thought I'd do... I can't regret any of them, not really, well, ok, I can.  and I do.  but mostly, I try to see that I really like who I am right now... and this is a fairly new thing for me, I have not really liked myself before.  I've always had someone else's voice, or lots of different people's voices telling me I wasn't good enough I wasn't SOMETHING enough... and maybe that's another "never thought I'd..." for my list.  I never, ever, in a million years, imagined that I'd kick all those voices out (most of kicking those voices out have to do with the deeper thoughts, but I digress) that I'd listen to myself, that I would so genuinely LIKE myself for myself.  I'm not perfect, DUH, but I like who I see in the mirror.  I don't see what other people want me to change.  I see things I would like to improve on - always... but I like me.  I'm crazy.  I'm so random it hurts.  I'm the most scatter brained person you have ever met.  I'm the person you want in your corner when the shit hits the fan.  I am fiercely loyal.  I am crazy.  I am independent.  I am a bitch - but only in the best possible way!!  I am strong on the outside.  I am so many things, usually all at the same time. 

So, what have you learned about me?  If I don't pay enough attention to you, don't take it personally, I'm not ignoring you, I don't think you aren't worth my time, I just don't remember the last thing I gave 200% of my undivided attention to... If you see my rub my right shoulder, take pity on me... offer me a massage :) Or remind me that I'm not 25 anymore... Or just point and laugh.  And stay away from my right elbow and right hip as they are rather tender as well... that fall hurt me more than I'm letting ANYONE know.   If I'm being a bitch... I'm sorry - but the truth is, when I am, I'm usually hiding the scared little kid inside that can't believe that  no one has ripped away the facade and seen what's really going on. 

And what does this mean for the next five years?  What things am I going to laugh at myself for saying now?  Besides thinking that there is anyone actually reading this blog, that it has any possible purpose other than personal catharsis.  But, hey, that's ok too.  I will sit here with a cherry pit bag around my shoulders, a peacock feather in my hair (don't ask, just know I look FABULOUS), silly puppy dog pajamas on, and I may be amazed at who I am today, but I like me.  I'm possibly regretful about a few things, but mostly I am grateful for who I am, and absolutely grateful for the people that I know, and that like me for all my imperfections, who tolerate me, who just like to be around me to watch the crazy happen.  Thanks for letting me rant ramble and blather on.  I'll go to bed now.

'night world.

So... I haven't been snarky or sarcastic lately

I mean, really, I have, just not in the blog-o-sphere.  I know you missed me, right?  Whatever, you know you love me.  *crickets* 

Yeah well, it's more cathartic for me to blog than it is important that you are reading what I write, so, you know, if you giggle at me as much as I giggle at myself, you are damn lucky to have me around.  Aren't you?

Do you know how difficult it is to say, "ok, time to be snarky?  Time to let lose some of the crazy that is in your head?"  HA!  Ok, that last part isn't so difficult. I mean, really, I am full of the crazy-making stuff. 

Oh, yes, why not share humiliating details.  Because you know, why not?  If you know me, you probably already know, and if you don't know me, well, wtf do I care? ok, so, the dark and twisty one has no tits.  I mean, there is flat chested, and then there is me.  Victoria has some excellent secrets because I keep 99.9% of the world in the dark about this little secret.  Anyway, so I bought this REALLY cute shirt.  REALLY.  just adorable.  Well, you apparently must have tits, even fake ones to hold the damn thing up.  and even vicky and her secrets could not put dark and twisty "out there" enough to rock the world with this cute shirt.  So, off to have it altered.  This is immensely horrifying for me.  I mean really... when even a "instantly adds 2 cup sizes" bra isn't enough on its own to help me?  Blah.  And then, to be looked at with a "Aww, you poor thing" look. 

Oh well.  When I get the shirt back, it will be super cute, and slightly more appropriate for the small chested freaks among you. :D

On another note.  Anyone else just ridiculously gleeful about getting shirts back from the cleaners?  There is something so delightfully wonderful about a crisply starched shirt.  I can't wait to wear one tomorrow.  Yes, I am such a geek.  whatever.  Freshly pressed and starched, can stand up on their own, smells so clean and fresh, white shirts.  YES.  YES.  YES.  maybe geek isn't the right word for me.  but I digress.

I am making several rather varied and random efforts at writing again.  I miss it.  I NEED to do it.  I need the creative stuff to escape my head lest I implode from it all.  I need these stories, to be free, to be out of my head.  I just am not sure yet where I'll unleash them.  I have considered trying to piece them together and make a long continuous story out of them, but that feels a bit too lofty of a goal.  I'm more about putting this one piece of the story out of my head.  The problem is, the story sort of skips around too much.  You know, it's random, and doesn't make much sense sometimes, oh, wait, where have I heard that before?  Oh, yeah, right, that's me, that's my life.

OK.  I REALLY REALLY do need to work a little, study a little, be productive a little.  maybe.  well, I'll try. 

Pity parties...

I had one, I had a big one, I blogged it, I deleted it... I still want to see myself through someone else's eyes but the world doesn't need to read about it...

I am avoiding studying. I really don't want to be studying. It's boring... I should be done learning, yes? Apparently no.

I had a thought I wanted to blog about but I forgot what it was... such is life. Well my life anyway. Off to bore myself to tears about networks. Blah...

I am ever so slightly traumatized

My oldest daughter is wearing a sports bra. She's 8... I am totally freaked out about this. First of all, she's too young, second of all, I am too young... I am soo not ready for puberty. I have long said that I was going to do the whole "talk" better than my mother did. But I assumed I had several more years to get there. I thought I had more time to plan.

So, apparently we will be looking at the puberty issue sooner than I thought...

Sigh

Yum!

Random yumminess from my kitchen today... I made guacamole pasta... sort of my own recipe.  Sooo yummy!!! A little spicy, a little tangy, very yum! That's sort of all I have to say. At least for now. Carry on.